Most of us think we have a pretty good idea of who we are.  But does the person we see in the mirror resemble the person our spouse, friends, and coworkers see?

At a seminar I attended many years ago help me to answer that question.  Each attendee was given a list of words representing different values and priorities. The assignment was simple: choose the five that mattered most to us. Twenty-three choices, five answers. How difficult could that be?

Try it yourself. Do you choose love, loyalty, responsibility, independence, and wisdom?  Or do advancement, recognition, wealth, power, and security speak more directly to you?  Perhaps health belongs at the top of your list, especially if you’ve reached an age when getting out of bed comes with a sound effect.

The challenge isn’t finding five worthwhile words. It’s deciding which five matter enough to leave the others behind.

Here’s the list, with brief definitions to keep us working from roughly the same understanding:

1. Advancement—Personal or professional growth; moving forward in life.
2. Beauty—Appreciation of loveliness in art, nature, work, or everyday surroundings.
3. Creativity—The freedom and desire to develop new ideas.
4. Faith—Belief in yourself, the goodness of life, or a purpose you serve.
5. Health—Physical and mental well-being.
6. Helpfulness—Concern for others and a willingness to meet their needs.
7. Independence—Freedom, self-direction, and the ability to act on your own.
8. Justice—Fair treatment and a fair accounting of rights and responsibilities.
9. Knowledge—Seeking, learning, and understanding new things.
10. Love—Caring, affection, and meaningful personal attachment.
11. Loyalty—Faithfulness to another person or a commitment.
12. Morality—Conscience, ethical standards, and a sense of right and wrong.
13. Pleasure—Enjoyment and the things that delight you.
14. Power—The ability to lead, direct, persuade, or control.
15. Recognition—Being noticed, appreciated, or considered important.
16. Religion—Belief in a supreme being and participation in spiritual life.
17. Responsibility—Accountability, maturity, and honoring your obligations.
18. Security—Having the essentials and a dependable foundation for living.
19. Social—Friendship, companionship, and enjoying the company of others.
20. Wealth—Material possessions and substantial financial resources.
21. Wisdom—Mature judgment and understanding of life.
22. Work—Finding challenge, satisfaction, and purpose in your job.
23. Worthwhileness—Being valued and accepted for who you are.

Choose your five before reading further. Otherwise, you may find yourself selecting what sounds admirable rather than what actually matters to you.

Now comes the interesting part. Ask your spouse, significant other, or a close friend to choose the five words they believe most closely describe you.  But don’t reveal your answers and resist the temptation to provide helpful suggestions. That would be coaching the witness.

Then compare the lists.

You may consider helpfulness one of your defining qualities, while your spouse chooses independence. You may see responsibility; your friend may see advancement. Neither answer automatically makes the other wrong. You know your intentions. Other people experience your behavior.

And those two perspectives don’t always align

Perhaps you believe family comes first, but your calendar suggests work has a comfortable lead. Perhaps you value listening, but the people around you seldom get to finish a sentence. It’s easy to give ourselves credit for what we mean to do. The people living with us have more evidence about what we actually do.

Take the exercise one step further. Choose the five words describing how you would like others to see you. Compare that list with your first answers and with theirs. The differences may reveal something worth thinking or talking about.

Ask your partner to make the same three lists.  You may discover a priority you’ve overlooked or learn that something you consider a kindness isn’t what matters most to them.  I know I was surprised by what I learned.

Of course, there’s room for entertainment, too.  The woman sitting beside me at the seminar chose five words describing her “perfect” man.  Fortunately, we weren’t married.

No one can be reduced to five words, and this exercise isn’t a personality diagnosis. Our priorities can change with age, circumstances, and experience.  Health may move ahead of advancement as we get older.  Security may become more important after a financial setback.  Love may take on a different meaning after losing an important person in our lives.

But the exercise raises a useful question: Are we aligning our lives in a way that reflects what we say matters most?

Choosing loyalty takes a moment. Being loyal when it costs us something takes considerably more. Writing down responsibility is easy. Accepting it when things go wrong is the real test.

Five words won’t tell your whole story. But if you choose them honestly—and listen honestly to the people who know you—the results may prove well beyond just “interesting.”