Economics Teacher (Ben Stein): Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?
Simone: Um, he’s sick. My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it’s pretty serious.
Economics Teacher: Thank you, Simone.
Simone: No problem whatsoever…
Fast forward 33 years
Adam Schiff: “Ladies and gentlemen we know we promised real witnesses. We know we told you they would present hard evidence in support of, and in addition to the circumstantial evidence we submitted throughout the Russian collusion investigation and that the testimony would leave no doubt as to the guilt of the president.
However, the Russian collusion investigation turned out to be a bust so now we’d like you to disregard all that and despite our previous statements that the testimony we’ve been providing was necessary to prove our case, we’ve changed our minds. We’re now confident that the circumstantial second and third hand testimony that we’ve presented during this impeachment inquiry is sufficient to establish enough suspicion to assume that the president is guilty, and we’d like you to go with that.
It really comes down to a matter of trust. You can either believe our expert witnesses—who have given us their expert opinions about other expert opinions—or you can simply take another look at all the circumstantial and very genuine hearsay evidence we’ve presented, and find that the president if he’s not guilty of something, is at least very, very close to being guilty, and therefore deserves to be impeached and removed from office because A) We have no viable candidates and B) we don’t have any rational policies either.